As a horror writer, it is my job to stare at everyday objects and think, How might that item be used to the most horrific end possible? (Fictionally!) But recently, I have been finding more and more crossover between the terrifying and the alluring, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the very best items are both, and that fear and desire might be two sides of the very same coin (…or nail gun). Here are a few of my recent favorites.
Gargoyles
They’re ripped, they’re horned, they’ve got the look of someone who is definitely getting psychotic tonight, and they can fly. You may know them from my favorite childhood cartoon of the same name, or Ghostbusters. I am one hundred percent convinced that a gargoyle could out-party most other mythological creatures, but unlike satyrs and centaurs and all the other frat boy OGs, they’d do it stoically… and save the chaos for the bedroom after. No matter how much they drink, they’re stone and probably metabolize differently and therefore could always be your DD. And sure, they hang out at churches, but let’s be real, so many closet freaks do.
Pneumatic Nail Gun
Power tools will fuck a human up every way to Sunday (remember Final Destination? Evil Dead?). But the handle, perfect girth. The squeeze of the trigger and simultaneous drive of the nail deep into wood, yes. The kickback, give me more. Watch videos of pneumatic nail guns online and you’ll hear about how they’re designed to squeeze into the tightest of places, how the depth drive is always adjustable. We absolutely do not want to know what it would do to let’s say… a hand, but we love seeing it pound into wood. Hitachi makes them too, and we all know what else they make.
Haunted Dolls
We’ve seen some greats: The Twilight Zone, Child’s Play, Annabelle. And I’m here to say they make the HOTTEST ACCESSORY. It’s a crisp morning in October. You want a look that says *yes I entered this coffee shop to read a cozy book* but also *yes I will totally hit a séance with you tonight*. But you want to stand out among the witches and ghouls, and you’ve already worn your cobweb bag five times this week. Solution? Leave the bag at home. Carry a f*cked up doll instead. The more depraved-looking the better. Do they cause mayhem? Bonus points. Your new look will be sure to scare off any lame normies and will probably also find you a new best friend, fresh corpses, or both.
Ice Axe
Violent Night, anyone? They come in flashy colors, you pick your shaft length and whether you want it straight or curved, and they’re always making the travel rounds starring in every adventurous person’s IG feed. They’re giving main character energy with the sun reflecting off their spikes, but you have to be precise to use them. Stick the landing, penetrate the ice just so, and they’ll take you to places you’ve never been. But overswing or miss entirely, and that baby is completing its arc right down into your abdomen. Blood on the snow, entrails maybe punctured. But doesn’t every truly sexy thing have the ability to gut us? Don’t we want the danger and thrill of the potential that is becoming absolutely ruined? Outdoorsy may not scream hot to everyone, but ice climbers definitely know where to stick it.
Dead Mouse Cat Toys
They’re cute, they’re all the rage. (Is everyone caught up on Yellowjackets?) They’re the main act of the pet store and always have been. Cats love them, and cats hardly love anything. Buy six or eight of them and tie their tails to your next party dress, let them dangle as you move through the night. Congratulations, you’re the King of Halloween.
Garbage Disposal
She’s a hole in the bottom of the sink, the hole of the entire kitchen, and she’s making herself known. She’s useful, she’s powerful. She’s cameoed in countless horror movies (The Blob, Hard Candy, We Need to Talk About Kevin), and she’s an absolute flex for anyone coming from New York City. She does not do her work without loudly making sure everyone knows she’s doing it. She demands respect. And there is always the threat there, always the what-if of getting too close, getting too intimate with her. She exists to be admired but never handled, never explored. But if you do take it too far, if one quiet afternoon the temptation overwhelms you and becomes just too much… she’ll suck you deep in and drench herself in your blood. She’s always thirsty, and we really love her for it.
Manholes
No word in the English language more deliciously drips off the tongue than manhole. Say it slowly with me. Manhole. Tell me you didn’t just feel that tingle down your spine. Tell me you didn’t love it. Manhole screams city traffic. It’s giving street cleaning, rats, Pennywise, dead bodies, the void. It’s telling us whatever you do, do not come near! And yet… don’t you want to? Just a little peek, just to see how it feels. You never know who or what you’ll find in there, but you know it’s sure to be a delight. (For you, and for him.)
Curling Iron
The holy grail. the object of all objects, (and making a grand appearance in my book, Maeve Fly). We plug her in, toss her in a bag, carry her from place to place to prepare us for nights out. And as we’re singing along to our favorite song and dancing in the mirror, hair wrapped around her fine metal shape for the thousandth time, we pause. Just for a moment. Just a brief fleeting thought. We realize what this curling iron looks like… where it could very easily go. The chorus comes in, and we return to the song. But then we stop singing. Because it hits us. It really hits us. Where this burning metal tool could be inserted. Three hundred degrees Fahrenheit, so hot it’s seared our hands and scalp more times than we can count, and we’ve got the scars to prove it. We imagine… we don’t want to. It makes us literally sick. Steam rises, burning hair scent suffuses the air. We swear, pull the thing free from the singed strands. We stare in the mirror and think…
Shit. That was terrifying.
But it was also kinda hot.
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Maeve Fly
CJ Leede is a horror writer, hiker, and Trekkie. She has an MFA in Creative Writing from Columbia University, and a BA from NYU’s Gallatin School, where she studied Mythology and the Middle Ages. When she is not driving around the country, she can be found in LA with her boyfriend and four rescue dogs. Alongside Maeve Fly, CJ has two more horror novels coming from Nightfire.
